Here Without You
by BWinner
Summary: Set after the end of the series. Kazuki is trying live on despite the injuries he's endured from the final battle, both physically and mentally. There are some things you just can't escape from though... Kazuki's POV, angst, yaoi, lemon-CONTAINS SPOILERS!


**Written by:** BWinner

Saturday, June 11, 2011

**Pairing:** Kazuki/Soushi

**Warnings:** Angst, foul language, lemon, spoilers to end of series, _possibly_ OOC…

**Rating: ****NC/17**

**Kazuki's POV**

**Disclaimer: **I hold no ties to the Fafner in the Azure: Dead Aggressor series or its characters. This work is a piece of fiction made for my own amusement.

**BWinner's Note:** Well, here I am on another "Fafner Fan-fic Adventure," and I am not even finished the first one I have started (in April of last year of all things)! However, an idea struck me like a ton of bricks just this evening when I was in the shower (no I am not a pervert… at least not in the way some of you might be thinking), and as soon as I finished cleaning up I raced to my laptop and began typing. This idea was too good for me to pass up. It's a bit of a challenge since I haven't written first person POV in YEARS, however the last time I did it was well received so I thought I might go for it again. I am not sure why I am going for Kazuki's POV since Soushi is my favourite character, and the one who's head I've tried to get into the most having cosplayed him and all, but the story idea just made the most sense this way. I should warn you all as well before we start, if you haven't seen the end of the Fafner in the Azure TV series, this might not make any sense to you, and it might contain huge spoilers… hate to say it, but if that's the case, click your "back" button now.

**Here Without You**

Even now, the memory of that day is still in the front of my mind, the pain throbbing, like a freshly opened wound. He's not here anymore; he's gone. Six months, it's been six months and there's been no sign of any activity, not from the Festum, and not from the Neo UN, but more importantly, not from the sky and the ocean. I should feel a kind of peace now; things have lulled back into a sense of ordinary, but not for me. My body still bears the scars of that battle. I move; yet it's weak and agonizing, and I see; yet it's dim and colourless. Worse than all of that is the feeling that I've lost a part of my soul, I am here, but I am not complete, and will not be complete until the day he returns to me… Soushi.

I hobble weakly towards the medical room deep inside of Alvis; there's a crutch under my left arm, and Maya supports me at my right. She's always with me to help me to and from my check-ups now, ever since that day. I nod my thanks to her as she helps me sit in a chair just outside Dr. Tomi's office. With my vision so impaired I am almost blind in here; the hallways were always dim, but now seem more black and I only just make out her image next to me. If I can guess though, her head is bowed in quiet thought, and she is starting at loosely intertwined fingers with silent contemplation. It's always like this when we're alone, and sometimes it's unnerving.

The familiar sound of the door to the medical room opening arrests my attention and instinctively my head turns towards the person coming out. "Okay Kazuki, come in now," Dr. Tomi's calm voice instructs me.

Maya is up before me, lending me her arm for support, and I manage to give a faint smile of gratitude. Things become slightly more illuminated as I am helped into the small medical room and onto the bed there. My eyes adjust slowly to the new light and blurred visions of medical equipment come into view, as well as the forms of the two individuals standing before me. This is routine now, to come in for a check-up once every couple of weeks, just to make sure my body is in fact healing, and that my eyesight is not getting worse… sometimes I wonder. I hear the sound of paper being turned and through blurred vision see Dr. Tomi reviewing my charts from our last meeting, and from the tests she had ordered, obviously to be reviewed at this meeting as well.

"Maya, would you mind leaving us for a moment?" is the request she finally makes. "I'll call you back in when it's finally time to help Kazuki leave."

"Yes, of course!" the soft alto voice agrees merrily, but an underlying sadness is laced through it. With that the door to the medical room closes again, and it's just me and Dr. Tomi left in silence.

"I'm worried about you Kazuki," she states bluntly, and flatly. "Over the past couple of times you've come to meet with me, you haven't seemed to make any improvements. You're not getting worse, but you're just not getting better either," the tone is softened now with that clarification. As she tells me all of this she injects me with my bi-weekly, heavy dose of medications, and being so used to them, I don't even flinch now.

At this point I don't know what to tell her. I know I haven't been getting better, but I haven't felt motivated, I haven't felt the emotional energy I need to reach those goals. With each passing day he's gone, my hope seems like it's fading, and my strength of will slips just a little more. The thought of that pains me because I want to be strong; I want to be the 'Kazuki' that he always remembered when he returns. I know too that I am letting myself down, because I promised myself that I would wait for him forever, but if I continue on like this, will I be able to? I remain silent in my frustration and my right hand clenches instinctively. It's become long past the point where I could smile and fake my way through these things, insisting that everything was fine, and I was working on getting better. Dr. Tomi saw through it all too quickly and was not hesitant to voice her displeasure. "It's a matter of your health and well being!" she had insisted to me, and she told me as a doctor and a family friend she could not let things continue on in such a manner.

Dr. Tomi's tone becomes almost pleading as she speaks to me once more. "You can't destroy yourself like this Kazuki," she tells me. "I… I know the pain of the final battle still harbors inside of you, but it's not excuse to give up entirely."

I'm more shocked than I should be when that last part comes out of her mouth. I know I was never as guarded with my emotions as I could have been, but as far as I know I was never an open book either. When it came to Soushi though, it seems that my feelings and emotions were more open than I realized. I open my mouth to say something, but the words won't come, and so the silence stays; it seems deafening now as we continue to look across at one another. Part of me wants to try to put on that fake smile on again, and tell her I'll try harder, but I know I can't lie to her anymore; I've been found out.

"Kazuki, please know that I am only telling you this for your well being. You need to live on; now that the Festum have been destroyed, it's time for you to get better and start living your life… it-it was taken from you far too soon," she states softly and I barely make out the image of her head bowing down slightly.

"How can I!" the words are blurted out before I can stop them. Carefully I collect myself, and what I am going to say next. "I've lost so many people who mean a great deal to me… Besides, after all that I've experienced, after all that I've been through, how can anyone expect me to carry on like I did before all of this happened?"

Taking a deep and calming breath Dr. Tomi speaks to me once more, her voice calm and steady. "Do you really believe that if these people were around, they would want to see you in such a state?" she asks and I feel her gentle had on my shoulder. "If you're not going to try to get better for your own sake… get better for the sake of their memories."

I don't get the opportunity to say anything in my defense as she calls Maya back into the room; obviously this conversation is over and it's time for me to leave. After a brief, and private exchange of words with her mother, Maya comes to my side again and helps me to stand; we leave the medical room in silence, but at this point with Maya, it's more comfortable. She never did pry into my affairs too much, but I can tell by the way she holds my arm and cradles my waist that she's worried about me. It's bright as we leave Alvis and arrive back on the surface of the island, and I turn my head from the sun with a wince, even despite my bad eyes. Maya pauses to let me adjust, and I take a deep breath, collecting my thoughts.

"Maya, could you take me down to the pier?" I finally ask. "I need some time to think, and I just want to hear the sound of the water." I try to go there everyday, and have ever since the Festum took him from me. I sit there, and I watch; I wait for as long as I possibly can each day. My memories of Soushi are the most fresh there, the most intense and pure… I think about Soushi near constantly since the day he was taken, both in my waking and my un-waking mind. Lately, my thoughts of Soushi have been incredibly painful, and it's been hard to make the trips, but I've pressed on and kept my word to him in my mind, and I wait for his return to me. However today, the pain of my memories is made all the more prominent by the declaration of my health by Dr. Tomi.

"Of course, Kazuki," she replies in understanding.

With that upbeat voice though, I pick up the underlying sadness again. Is she as intuitive as her mother? It seems she knows what I am going to be thinking about down there, of whom I am going to be thinking. There is a twinge of guilt inside of me at this realization, as I know the nature of which she cares for me. However, it cannot be helped; to me she is like a sister, but with him, oh with him… The thought of him with me makes my breath hitch in my throat, and my chest tightens to the point of almost being painful; my body warms, and there is no one else in the world for me.

The walk towards the water feels like it's going to take an eternity, already my muscles and joints are screaming at me in protest for having made them move as much as I have in one day at one time; normally I am not walking. However, this is something I desperately need to do for myself, and so I forge onward, biting back any noises of pain as not to alarm the young woman at my side. Finally we stop, and I feel the cool spray of the water against my face, and I hear the sound of the crashing waves against the concrete barriers along the pier. Memories flood my mind with these senses and I squeeze my eyes tight.

"Maya, if it's not too much trouble, I really just need to be alone right now," my request is a soft whisper. I almost hate saying it, and almost regret it, as I know it hurts her, and I can only imagine the pain in her eyes at my telling her to go away. "If you come back in an hour or so… I should be ready to go then," is all I manage to add.

I only hear a small noise of acknowledgement and then feel her hands remove from my body. The sound of her retreating footsteps is drowned out by the rumbling sound of the ocean waves, and the spray continuously chills me. Shivering in spite of myself, I collapse to one knee and bow my head. This is a place of heaven and hell for me, so often I would be here with him, talking with him… fighting with him; this place however, is the ultimate place where I returned to him. If I pray hard enough, maybe, maybe this will be the place where he finally returns to me too.

"Soushi…" his name comes out chocked and cracked. Tears well in my eyes and I fall to both knees now, holding myself. "I'm so lost with out you… where have you gone? Come back to me, SOUSHI!"

Suddenly there's that feeling of a gentle hand on my shoulder once again. For a moment I worry; has Maya returned, and has she heard my screams and come to see if I am okay? When I turn and lift my head I am shocked by what comes into my blurred vision… It can't be… it can't! Soushi! He wears the last thing I ever remember seeing him in, the Alvis uniform, and his long, golden brown hair is smoothly tied back in that loose ponytail as it always was. I begin to shake now, this seems impossible; to see him before me unharmed and as beautiful as I ever remembered him. I want to believe this but I can't, how could it be so easy for him to be here now? There's no way… there's just no way.

After being still and simply standing before me and returning my bewildered gaze with one of softness, and perhaps even affection, Soushi collapses to his knees as well and comes to kneel in front of me, then takes my hands in his own. I don't resist; there's no way I ever could. "I'm here Kazuki… I'm right here," he whispers softly to me.

Unable to stop myself I use all of the strength I have to pull Soushi closer to me and embrace him with everything I am. Words fail me now and all I do is cry harder on his shoulder while he strokes my back with reassuring hands. Finally calming down I gaze up into his eyes to see his grey ones filled with a mix of sadness and understanding; it's a look I've so rarely seen from him. With out even thinking about my actions I lean forward, and I kiss him in a feeling of absolute desperation; I've lost my ability to communicate properly, and so it's all I know to do right now. His reaction is not what I would have expected; he surrenders to the kiss, opens his mouth to it, and prompts me to deepen it. I do so without hesitation, and moan in spite of myself; his lips are so soft, and he tastes incredible. What took us so long?

When we finally separate I rest my head on his shoulder one again. "Where did you go, Soushi… Why?" I sob.

"Kazuki…" he whispers softly. "I'm sorry; I had to go because there was almost nothing left of me. The assimilation had destroyed almost all of my body; there would have been nothing anyone could have done for me. Also… I needed to – I needed to understand," he pauses and takes a deep breath now. "I needed to understand the Festum, and have them understand us. I had already started when I was in the Sigfried System, and so when I was creating that new life for myself, I learned, but I taught them as well. I swore I would return to you, but I wanted to make sure that when I did, we might actually have peace together, that you wouldn't be torn away from me in battle, and that I wouldn't be torn from you. Kazuki, not ever again."

Part of me understands, and part of me is still furious that he didn't even try to accept treatment on the island. Of course Soushi made a noble sacrifice, and did it for us, did it for all of us in the long run… but to leave me, to leave me cold and alone, lost and scared for so long… I want to be so angry. I can't though; I just can't, not now that we're wrapped up in one another's embrace. Now is not the time for anger; now is the time to tell him, to show him how much he has meant to me, how much he does mean to me. Now is the time to express all of the things I never did while we were still together and carefree on the island, before any of this ever happened.

Reaching up I take his face in my hands and pull him towards me for another passionate kiss; I need those soft lips against mine once more, need the affirmation that he's really here in front of me, that he's really returned. I know what I want to say to him, but I just cannot make the words come, my body is reacting of its own accord; instinct and need are taking precedence over everything else. I break away to look into those eyes once more, and realize that my vision has become clearer; Soushi is before me, his own eyes filled with a look of desire and longing. It's a look I've been yearning to see for longer than I've realized. As I continue to gaze into those perfect eyes I brush errant strands of golden brown hair from them, and the surroundings of the island slowly melt away. Nothing else is here; it's only Soushi and me.

I decide that I don't care where I am, I am going to show Soushi the depth of my feelings for him; it's all I can do since I cannot make the words come. With great delicacy, for both his and my sake I maneuver our bodies so that he's lying beneath me, and I am shocked with how easy it is on my body. With each passing moment I am in Soushi's presence my pain seems to fade, and my body eases and relaxes. Cradling the back of his head with one of my hands against the cool concrete of the pier, the other moves to work on the red ascot around his neck. I've drunk from his lips, and now I desire to taste samples from the rest of his flesh. After fumbling with it in my haste the fine piece of silk finally comes undone and I toss it haphazardly to the side in order to attack his neck with nips and licks.

I am slightly surprised once more as Soushi again does not resist me but rather turns his head to the side, exposing more of his neck to my onslaught and attention. A moan bubbles up from his throat and he raises his arms to tangle nimble fingers into my hair, running them through it gently and massaging my scalp. The time with the Festum has changed him, he's gained confidence, and he's nothing like the unsure and awkward boy from when we had been growing up. The possibility of this ever being a bad thing immediately comes to a halt as his mouth comes up to my ear and kisses it gently, whispering my name again before sucking on the sensitive lobe, and biting it playfully. Now it's my turn to let out a deep moan.

It's agonizing to do so, but I move from his neck to sit up and strip off the blue t-shirt I am wearing; folding it up I make a pillow and place it behind Soushi's head now. Once he's comfortable I straddle his waist and work on removing his own jacket, vest, and shirt, and leave them flat for him to lie on. Soon we are both exposed to each other from the waist up and I reach out to caress the smooth planes of his chest; immediately he arches up to greet my gentle touch and I smile. Soushi is more toned than I remember, his flesh is hard, but his skin is smooth, and he's warm, so warm. My palms reach his nipples and I ghost over them, feeling them harden into little pebbles before my fingers move to pinch and tweak them, almost teasingly. He gasps now and his eyes widen to the sensation before he arches his back higher to my touch; I can feel him reacting beneath me, just as I am, and I smile, but it's not enough. Leaning down I place a feathery kiss to a sensitized nub, and dart my tongue out ever so slightly to get a little taste of the pinkening flesh beyond. With that action he calls out and the grip in my hair tightens. Deciding I like this reaction very much I continue my onslaught, alternating my mouth and fingers between each hardened bud. His moans become gasps and pants the longer I go on, and I am surprised when he arches his hips up to grind his arousal into my own. This brings my ministrations to a halt and I rest my forehead on his chest now echoing his pants and gasps and meeting each desperate grind against my hips.

'We may be half naked, but we're still wearing far too much clothing,' is the realization I come to privately, and in another agonizing decision I pull away from him and off him enough to begin removing his pants and undergarments beyond. Finally, finally I will see him, all of him unhindered and unmarred; it's beautiful when I do, and I feel heat rising to my cheeks, I am blushing in spite of everything we've done. It puts me more at ease when I see that Soushi's cheeks are also coloured a delicate shade of pink, and he's looking up at me with bashful eyes warring with lust. As I remove my own pants and boxers I am struck by the thought of how quiet we've been through out this whole experience. Perhaps it's not so much that we cannot communicate, but that there isn't a need for words right now; we're saying everything with our bodies.

With my own form finally unhindered by any remaining clothing I settle on that comforting warmth once more. Our bare erections meet and the two of us call out in unison; I clench my fist beside me, trying in vain to keep my composure. Soushi doesn't give me much of an opportunity to do so however as he sits himself up, brings a somewhat quivering hand to them, and begins to stroke both together in unison. I call out again and my hips jerk forward for more of that sensual feeling; his member hot against mine, and his warm, smooth hand easing up and down each of them is just too erotic. I won't release yet though, not yet; I have to be in him first, inside of my beloved, and finally feel our bodies move together as one. We will have the unification Soushi always desired, but we will have it in love, not in fear, guilt, and torment. I only let the sensual action of Soushi's hand against our flesh continue for a moment longer before I jerk my hips back in an attempt to tell him to stop. He pulls his hand away somewhat reluctantly and bashfully, then looks at me with smoldering grey eyes and finally speaks again.

"Kazuki, be one with me… take me," comes the hot and thick whisper.

I swallow hard finally hearing that… So, Soushi saw this the same way I did; perhaps we understand each other better than we thought. I don't have time to be shocked about this realization, or to be shocked about the manner in which Soushi said what he did; all I can think about, is fulfilling that request. Sliding down his body, I smile when I am met with his erection first, and can't help but dart my tongue out to flick away the pre-cum that's begun to ooze there; despite the somewhat salty nature it's like an ambrosia to me and I make a note that this is a place I must return to in the future. The noise Soushi makes as I do such a bold action is somewhere between a gasp and a shout, and his eyes go wide with wonder. Oh yes, I will definitely be coming back here with reactions like that one. However, with enough experimentation on my body in the past, I know sounds like that means he's close, and my time is running out.

Taking a couple of fingers into my mouth, I suck on them deeply; effectively getting them good and wet, while slightly teasing my beloved just a little more. Removing them now I spread Soushi's legs a little wider and insert one of them slowly, gauging his reaction as I go. He flinches in pain, and works to steady his breath, but doesn't tell me to stop; rather after a brief moment I get a reassuring nod. With that I work the first finger in him for a little while, letting him get adjusted to the feeling before I add in the second one, and finally begin to stretch him. There are slight moans of more pain and mild discomfort, but again, he never moves to make me stop, and then finally those moans let go into a great cry of pleasure and he bucks his hips back onto my hand. He's ready, ready for me completely now.

Using my own pre-cum as a make shift lubricant, I slick my own erection with it and finally press into that warm and inviting body, kissing him passionately as I do. The kiss muffles both of our cries, those torn between pleasure and pain, and we hold each other tight. I stop for a moment when I am fully seated to allow each of us time to adjust, and it's getting harder and harder for me to keep it together. Soushi is so impossibly tight, and envelopes me like we were made to fit together; it's perfection. Breaking the kiss for air, I lock eyes with him and begin to move now, a slow and easy rhythm to savor every possible second I can of this moment. His arms reach around again and he holds me tight around the shoulders, smiling as we move as one; it's a beautiful image. Feeling encouraged by this, I increase my pace a little, even reaching down now to take hold of his own neglected passion and stroke it in tune with my thrusts… It would be a lie to say that part of me wasn't feeling anxious now; my insides are tightening and there's an all too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. From what I can see, Soushi is close himself, he's gasping harder and his eyes are closed now, almost in concentration.

Soon, all too soon it is over for me and I reach my peak. "Soushi… Soushi, I love you!" I hear myself scream as I release deep inside of him.

Soushi follows soon after, and the feeling of his muscles clamping around me heightens my pleasure to near delirious levels. "I love you too, Kazuki," he responds, and this time he is the one to lean up and meet my lips in a gentle, but passionate kiss.

Even if my lips weren't stolen in a kiss, there would be nothing I could say to that. It's been all I've ever wanted to hear for the longest, longest time. The words are like a beautiful song flowing from him, and my heart flutters in my chest. When we break from that kiss, I simply hold him in my arms; we can't stay here long, but I need him at my side right now.

It's then that there's the feeling of another hand on my shoulder… "Kazuki!" a young and worried female voice calls to me.

Turning my head slightly I can see Maya, her eyes ready to spill over with tears, but catching me with Soushi in such a position I am not sure I could blame her. I should be more embarrassed, being out in public in this manner as I am, but strangely I'm not. However, this isn't how I wanted her to find out about the two of us, and I know this is probably terribly embarrassing for Soushi. I turn my head back to apologize to him, but that's when I realize it… I'm lying on the concrete of the pier, on my side, my arms wrapped around my own body… alone. I'm alone, and fully clothed, there's no evidence that anyone's even ever been out here with me. I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do. How did this happen… why did this happen?

"Maya, where-" but she cuts me off almost immediately.

"I never should have left you Kazuki!" she blurts out. "My, my mother told me she had given you a stronger dose of medications than usual today, and that it could have some adverse side effects. I should have taken you straight home, but, but you just looked so lost, I couldn't deny your request," that last part is confessed softly.

I grit my teeth in anger, and frustration, as I struggle to stand. So, it seems things have been obvious to even her, that I really am not myself with out him... Part of me feels betrayed by Dr. Tomi too; that she wouldn't tell me that she increased the dose of medication, and that I had to suffer through such a… dream? Hallucination? Whatever that was; it was only a painful reminder that I didn't need to be flooded with. However, with such drastic measures in the medication, she seems to be very serious in her wanting me to recover from all of this. It looks like with this most recent occurrence, I'll have to get serious too…

"Take me home Maya," my voice is soft and determined as I finally make it to my feet. "I really do need my rest now," and with that, we begin to make our way back up that hill.

_I'm here without you Soushi, but you still haunt me; you're still with me in almost every aspect of my life and my being. It's painful, but I will keep you with me in my mind and in my dreams… I'll keep your memory by my side, until the day you return, when I will keep you by my side, always and forever._

~End.

A/N: DON'T KILL ME . I know that plot twist at the end has likely thrown almost every single reader for a loop… but I really couldn't help it. There really didn't seem to be any other way to end this fic in my mind. You can blame 3Doors Down for being a HUGE part of the inspiration for this fic… I pumped this out in pretty well 3 weeks, that doesn't happen for me with fanfics. Props to fellow author Heliotrope as well, I've read a great deal of her work and enjoyed it, was lead to a Fafner community on and got my butt MOTIVATED. I will say though, that most of the watchers of my Yu Yu Hakusho fanfics will be disappointed that my motivations have shifted for the present, I have so much work to do on so many fics for that series . Oh well Fafner fans, enjoy this while you can!


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